Remembering the belly

From Photo of me

An inventory of what I miss and what I don't miss about being pregnant...particularly very, very, very pregnant.

My belly grew more quickly than my sense of self could contain and so I never stopped running into door jams with it as I tried to slide through a half-opened door. Our only raised cupboard buts into a corner and the glasses reside on the far side of that cupboard. Even standing on tip-toe my I could no longer reach them. My belly prevented me from getting close enough.

My belly became the collector of crumbs and drips. My lap was for once protected (or was it just raised?) And, for some reason unrelated to my girth, I was much more awkward with food.

Looking at Kevin I found his tummy to be small. He was now the skinny one in the family.

I hated having my sweaty stomach sitting on my sweaty thighs. I don't even like to type that. Yuck.

There was nothing about sleeping while pregnant that I will miss. I couldn't turn over without waking up and using my arms. But, that was hardly necessary at the end because I was up every 2 hours (or less) to attend to my abused bladder. And, I so missed sleeping on my back. That was the first thing I did in the hospital. I was almost surprised to find that immediately I felt "OK" on my back - something I hadn't felt for months.

Walking, particularly uphill. Won't miss how slow I became. I was always a fast walker. I feared I was changed forever. Not so.

Finally, there was the movement and the knowledge that I was possessed by another entity. Initially, it was just plain creepy. Something is inside me...and it is growing. Then came the subtle little flutters. Finally, the big sweeping movements accompanying major changes in position. When they came upon me suddenly and I was otherwise unoccupied, I'd occasionally scream.

Despite all the paragraphs above, I loved being pregnant. I was fascinated by my ever changing silhouette - even though it also embarrassed me. You can't keep being pregnant private. There is something about that growing belly that informs - even the most distant stranger. It wasn't until I was about 39 weeks along when I finally decided "yes" I need a photograph of my belly that I really, really, really appreciated my new look. Too late then to document the wondrous evolution. (You are welcome to marvel at why anyone would feel uncomfortable with sharing a much wanted pregnancy with the world. This is the nature of neurosis.)

So, I miss that firm, warm belly and despite the way it would startle me, I miss the kicks and rolls and hiccoughs within it. Still, I'm happy to trade it for Zupe.

The wait

From July travel - mostly OHIO

We were assigned two wait dates as we were leaving the IVF clinic. The first, a 14 day wait, to find out if Zupe had set up house. The second, a 9 month wait, to evict the poor boy from said home.

We went "home" to our friends house, stopping on the way at a craft store for something Kevin needed for his games - probably plastic bags, and then I went to bed. (About now I know you are fearful that you will be asked to read a minute by minute account of the first 9 months followed by the post birth continuum. Really. Who has the time?)

As I was saying, I went to bed since I hadn't slept well the night before and continued what would be a continual effort for many weeks to come of trying to feel pregnant. Perhaps, I felt a little weight, something solid and deep, in my lower abdomen.

We stayed in Texas a couple more days then I flew to Ohio and Kevin flew to California before flying home to Brisbane. I enjoyed my time in the long summer days of Ohio but told only my mother of our effort. (I still had the photo at that time - and I made copies - but I can't find any now.) I continued to puzzle about my body, our body. Any change could easily be a consequence of my exogenous progesterone.

On the flight from Ohio to LA I watched in-flight TV - a program telling the stories of women who didn't know they were pregnant until they were giving birth. I tried to take solace in this. I yearned for it to be an omen.

The days continued and despite my exhaustive self examination I couldn't find any indication of nausea or fatigue or substantive change. Kevin and I went for the tell-all blood test early on the morning of the 26th. I was feeling dispirited. They took my blood and I asked them to call Kevin. I didn't want to get bad news at work.

I had a break during morning appointments and checked my email.

PROJECT Z IS A GO!!!

Reply |Kevin to Ann, me

So don't be sad.

And continue taking care of yourself.

Your Love Daddy,

Kevin

The beta HCG measured 1,966. One week later it had skyrocketed to 24,051. The Brisbane clinic questioned how many embryos we had transferred.

Just one BADASS dude.

Baby Braille

In the hospital we learned to swaddle Zupe. When he'd snuffle or snort or sound like he was struggling to breath through the copious mucous that filled his respiratory track (and digestive track - but that's neither here nor there)- a side effect of missing out on the "Big Squeeze" and being born by C-section - I'd reach through the bars on my bed and over the side of his bassinet and stroke his body.

This is how and when it dawned on me that I was completely misunderstanding the anatomy I'd been palpating for the last several months. You see, a baby wrapped tightly in a blanket feels from the outside like a baby bound tightly in an abdomen. Same lumps. Same bumps.

Probably no major insight for you. But, I've been a little slow lately.

Somehow, despite having a body of my own for almost 50 years, I had forgotten about shoulders, and elbows, and knees. Especially knees.

I wish now I could go back and feel that belly again and see if I could read what it had to tell me using my new understanding - my baby braille.

The size of babies

From Zuperfliegen

While describing a photo of Zuperfliegen, my friend Christine recently made a comment that I've heard before...something to the effect that she'd forgotten how small newborns are. I suppose in 6 months or 2 years or a decade, I might feel the same way. Right now I'm struck by how BIG he is. All of THAT was inside ME?

I found this statistic on the adhesive protector from a sanitary napkin: "When a woman is pregnant, her uterus expands to 500 times its normal size." (See photo from March 30 - you'll be convinced.)

And, while Zupe at birth weighed only about 6% of my weight, he was over 34% as tall as I am! Of course, that 54 centimeters wasn't stretched out in my abdomen, but curled up in what is so appropriately called The Fetal Position.

I knew that and I knew he was head down for the last 4 to 6 weeks. But, it wasn't until he was born and I was looking at his body that I understood that the "foot" I was always shifting off my midline was more likely a knee. I never even considered that I was being "elbowed" by elbows and knees. I was only thinking about hands and feet (while still puzzling over why his feet would be so low - just under my umbilicus. Perhaps I spend too much time looking at and thinking about dog feet?)

OMG - this is so funny - I just looked at that photo and thought, wow! he was so little. That didn't take long!